Nor a drop to drink

A couple of weeks ago, the confederacy of dunces that runs my apartment complex stuck a note on my door informing me that, due to mysterious plumbing issues, the bathroom sink would be shut off "until further notice."

In the past, I have put what you might call undue strain on my relationships with landlords by freaking out about these things too soon, and it never ends well. So I decided to give it a few days and see how things shook out before I composed a response and delivered it to the front desk via high-speed brick.

As the days wore on, I started worrying about the ambiguity of the note. "Until further notice," could be a very long time, and the fact that they seemed unsure of what exactly was wrong with the plumbing made me nervous. After 10 days, I strolled by the office, just a neighbor stopping off to say hello.

"It's cooling right down, isn't it?" I said to the woman at the desk, smiling in a non-confrontational manner. "Hey, while I'm here, do you happen to know when I can expect the water to come back on over in building 137?"

She looked up from her computer, sighing so I could tell how busy she was.

"Is that the one where the vanities aren't working?" she asked. Vanities. That's what bathroom sinks are. Instruments of vanity. If I were a real man, I'd be more than happy to keep shaving in the kitchen.

"That's the one," I said. She asked me if lived upstairs and I said I did.

"Well, they probably won't have to do any jackhammering in your room, then," she said.

This was exactly why I hated landlords in the first place. I rested my palms on the desk and concentrated on keeping my voice even.

"That's encouraging," I said. "Does that mean there's going to be jackhammering someplace else?"

"Oh, my, yes," she said, eyes wide. "Lots of work to be done. I think you can expect water by Christmas, but I wouldn't invite any guests over if I were you." She followed this last with a little grin and turned back to her keyboard, the matter closed.

"So I'm brushing my teeth in the bathtub for the rest of the year? I don't think that's in my lease," I said.

"Of course not," she said, and my foolish heart leaped in my chest. Maybe this wasn't so bad after all. "The rest of the water will be off after this week. You won't be able to use the bathtub. You'll be sleeping here, and that's pretty much it."

I know how hard it is to be the hired help, because I've been hired help for all of my working life. Sometimes your boss does bad things and leaves you to tell the customers about them, and no matter how much they yell at you, there's nothing you can do for them. That was what was happening here, and I didn't want to yell at this woman and become one of the jerks I'd hated for so long. But I was not about to let this one slide.

"You can't just turn all the water off," I said, desperate now. "That's, like, why people have apartments .. so they can shower and cook. Where's your boss?"

"Oh, don't worry, he'll be in touch," she said. "He..s really taking an interest in this problem. He might even come by on Monday to talk to you guys. He appreciates your patience."

"Can I stay at his house?" I asked, but she had already gone back to her desk. I started to storm out, already plotting vengeance, when she called me back.

"Mr. Farley?"

"What?"

"Your December rent is due." She gave me a big smile. "And I'm happy to say that I've been authorized to deduct the water surcharge from your total."

So this is where we stand. Maybe my landlord will descend from the sky like a bolt of lightning on Monday and make everything right, but unless he brings Crapos, the ancient god of plumbing, with him, I have a feeling I..m about to embark on an odyssey through tenant hell. If anyone has advice on circulating petitions, I'd love to hear it. Also, though professionalism prevents me from accusing my complex by name, if you're about to sign a lease in the Santa Cruz High School neighborhood, you might want to drop me a line.

......

She says it all without a thought in her head; she says it all and she's pressed up against me. A little something just to take off the edge. A little more and mfarley@register-pajaronian.com falls off the planet entirely